It's Finally The Future

You might think I wrote this entire essay, but you’d be mistaken! All of this was composed by the latest SmartChat using the latest iteration of Open Predictive Text Model X.29. It’s made my life so much easier!

I don’t actually have to even come up with a prompt for it: it just looks at my geolocation data, my shopping history, and my performance reviews from work, and then composes a great blog post! I used to have to agonize over what I thought was important to say, but now it just figures out exactly what I need to say and says it for me!

But that’s not all it does.

It also watches my TV shows for me, summarizing them into a great synopsis and analyzing them for overarching themes and concepts. It then compiles that into another essay that explains my personal ideas and thoughts on the main characters and sends it to my reading group. It goes through my photo history and finds any cases where it might have seen parallels between my life and the material and then composes photo albums that show the meaningful connections between them. It’s great! I mean, I think it is. I don’t have time to read them.

Normally, this is where I’d say it’s because I have been spending so much time with my wife and son, but now I don’t do that either! The chatbot is set up to automatically find the optimal time on all three of our schedules, then create a zoom meeting. It generates an avatar of me based on all of the photos it has, and samples my voice from all the meeting recordings from work. After that, it’s a simple matter of running a very effective family bonding session where it can listen to my wife and son’s problems and also explain all of the things that have happened to me based on recent event data available to the SmartChat API. It saves so much time!

I was going to use that time to work on my music, but I discovered it can automatically scrape through everything that I’ve ever written in all my music hosting platforms and generate a mash-up as well as brand new material based on what I’ve already done. It puts this out into an aggregation site that uses Spotify playlists to make sure that it gets maximum exposure, and then shares it on social media with the relevant data that cross-references the important trending topics with the genre it generated. Then any residuals and fees it collects, it automatically deposits into my SmartChat account to pay for all the API usage. I don’t even have to worry about that, it’s paying for itself!

All this free time has made it possible for me to maximize shareholder value for my company before I even wake up. The SmartSleep peripheral scans my subconscious during REM sleep to glean unique patterns that are fed to another system that cross-references images determined through machine learning by other users so it can ascertain exactly what my dream is. It then takes that dream concept, feeds it into a coding LLM based on all of the initiatives at work that have to do with me, and checks them into codebases as reviews that my co-workers will see when they get up. But most of them are also using the SmartReview system, that just cross-references everything that I’ve ever done with the standards and practices of each code repository and performs a risk assessment based on a large shared model. If it’s below a pre-set threshold, it just approves the code and sends it to production.

So, now that I’m up, I can start to make use of all that free time I earned! I was going to play some video games, but it turns out SmartPlay has already handled it for me. It dug through every toxic subreddit of every game currently out, found the optimal meta, and then automatically purchases the latest game that matches my preferences gleaned through the steam play data. Then, it launches the game, optimizes it for performance, and plays through the optimal strategies it has compiled to beat the game in record play time. If it’s under the steam refund time limit, it refunds the game automatically.

For funds to pay for the games, it uses the extra cash I got for hitting the reset button on the local McDonald’s auto-ordering kiosk when it crashes every fifteen minutes. It pays minimum wage, but I get the employee discount on big macs which puts them at a nice comfortable $30 for the whole meal. Which is great, because my wife and son tell me that they haven’t seen me have this much free time to eat fast food since before we got all this awesome automation.

I mean, I think that’s what they said. The automatically generated message said something about my son being ten different samurai riding cows into a subway station, but I’m pretty sure that was a hallucination. Those are supposed to happen less often on SmartChat 2.0, coming soon!